When Walls Come Down

What an emotional week!!  This time of year is especially hard for me.  October 19 will mark 11 years of widowhood for me and fatherlessness for my girls.  Several other losses have occurred during this time as well to make it a dark time of year emotionally.

I lead a pretty boring life, full of routine.  I don't like it that way, but it is what it is... until last week.  I was blindsided by a person who has no idea how he has impacted me. I don't know whether to be mad at him or thank him. 

The kindnesses of this person have completely shattered some walls that I had allowed to be put up - walls that I didn't fully realize were there.  So now there is a raw, deep ache for some things that I used to have but don't anymore.  Things that I thought were lost 11 years ago.  And I was fine that they were gone. I had two children to train up and protect and didn't want to be the woman who had man after man in her life. 

So what do you do with that?  How do you move forward when you realize that there are things you want that you may not get to have?  How do you deal with the pain of a taste of goodness when it goes so quickly? How do you open yourself up to love again when you were convinced it wasn't going to happen twice in a lifetime...not to you anyway?

These are the questions I have been ruminating over this weekend after a man, thru his kindness, unknowingly brought down some walls in my heart. Am I mad at him for bringing desires to the surface that may never be fulfilled? Or am I thankful that I now know the desire is still there for something more...and now I can find the strength and courage to pursue it?  Maybe both.


This is where the healing begins - when the walls come down, light meets the dark at those broken places!!

Into the new

Tomorrow is the start of my new job. It's still in nursing but much different from anything I've done before.  I'll admit I'm a little nervous, but excited.

It's taken a year to find this job.  After having to leave my last job in the manner I had to leave makes one a bit discouraged. Then not to have but one call for an interview after sending hundreds and hundreds of applications and resumes...well, I'd just about given up on ever working a regular job again. I'm still struggling with forgiveness of my previous manager.  She was wrong, but I MUST move on and let the bitterness go...for my sake!

I'm still pursuing the missionary application process.  That really is where my heart is and where I'm called to be. This is just a means to paying the bills/paying off debt until the time comes for me to go on the field. I meet with the man who holds the application I need next Sunday.  Praying that it goes well. I'm not sure why he needs to meet with me; we've already had a long conversation on the phone. But I will go if that's what it takes to get the application in hand!

Lots of new...lots of uncertainties...lots of opportunity for God to show Himself strong on my behalf! 

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

Cancer sucks!!! But my God is greater!!!

My friend's husband started chemo today for colon cancer. They just got married last year.  She was divorced from her abusive, adulterous husband and was busy raising her two beautiful daughters.  Then she met him - the one she wasn't looking for, the one God had waiting for the right time.

I know from experience that God is more than able to heal D***.  He will be N****'s strength thru this.  He is greater than cancer! He is more powerful than chemo!  

Praying for my friend and her husband today while remembering our own journey thru the horrible path of cancer.  We are not without hope!

The Lord is my shepherd;

    I have all that I need. 

He lets me rest in green meadows;
    he leads me beside peaceful streams. 

He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,
    bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk
   through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
    for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
    protect and comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
    My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
    all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. 

~Psalm 23

Doing vs Hearing

So get rid of all the filth and evil 

 in your lives, and humbly accept the   

WORD

 God has planted in your hearts, for  

it has the power to save your souls.

 But don’t just listen to God’s word.  

You must do what it says. 

Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves.  

 For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, 

it is like glancing at your face in a mirror.  

 You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like.  

 But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, 

and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, 

then God will bless you for doing it.

 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, 

you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.  

Strong words from James 1.  How many times have I been guilty of this?  How many times a day do I see people quoting God's WORD and not living what they claim they believe?  It makes me sick!!

Either God's Word is true and I believe it and accept EVERY word as guidance for my life or I don't.  I can turn away my heart like the Pharisees. Jesus said they were "HYPOCRITES!" who "honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me" (Matthew 15:7-8).

People do a lot of things in the name of religion or God.  So much of their efforts have nothing to do with God and everything to do with themselves ~ their pride, their lack of remorse at their sins, their manipulation of others or of circumstances to ensure their selfish desires are met.

I believe that makes God so sad.  He has so much for us if we would just follow/obey Him. Why do we settle for less when we could receive the good & perfect by Him?  Our "works" can be useless and even open the door to the enemy when we do them outside of what God's Word instructs us.

James 1 ends with this:   

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this:  to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."  

May we not get too busy looking after the needs of others or ourselves that we forget to guard our moral purity.  What does it benefit if we gain the world by our good works but lose our souls? 

"They are the most foolish of all men who purchase the pleasures of this life with the loss of everlasting bliss."

“Why are you looking among the dead for someone who is alive?   

He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead!"

He's Alive!  He's Alive!

He's Alive & I'm forgiven!

Heaven's gate is open wide!

He's alive! 

 

 

Letting Go

This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up, releasing your prized possession into my care.

You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never leaves you is the same yesterday, today and forever. As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.

~ Jesus Calling

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

It's time.  Time to move.  Time to stop planning and start doing.

Last week I took the first real tangible steps to my future. I requested the application to become a missionary.  Yesterday I got a call from the Associate Director of World Missions.  We will meet in May to discuss where I'm going & set up a budget to begin itineration.

Passport will be required in May, two weeks. Then home one week for E's graduation.Then two weeks to Cambodia.

WOW.  That's a lot! This ball is rolling a lot faster than I expected. I thought I'd get the application, take my sweet time filling it out. Then send it in when the girls were going to school in the fall.

What will I do with my house? All the furniture that I won't be able to take?

I know it will all work out, but I'm already feeling the pressure.

What if I can't do this?   What if I don't love it? What if the girls need me?  

What if.......? Deep sigh...

The Lord directs the steps of the godly.   

He delights in every detail of their lives. 

Though they stumble, they will never fall, 

 for the Lord holds them by the hand. 

~ Psalm 37:23-24

Repent

How is it that two people read the same Bible but come up with different interpretations of the truth? How can one truly claim to be saved if they continue to do the same sinful thing(s) over and over and over again?  How is it possible that one can read how God abhors sexual sin like adultery and then go out and have an affair for years, all the while putting up a front of being a good Christian to all who know you?

It is my supposition that it is not possible to be saved and continue in your sin.  Either you are a Christian and are turning from sin or you are bound for hell, a hypocrite living a sinful life and lying to everyone about what you really are. And there is only one solution.

Dictionary.com defines REPENT as follows:  "to feel such sorrow for sin or fault as to be disposed to change one's life for the better".  So is it fair to say that one truly hasn't repented if they are not "disposed to change one's life for the better"? 

"Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord"  ~ Acts 3:19.

Awed by Our Awesome God

I'm doing two new Bible studies right now:  

"Nehemiah: a heart that can break" by Kelly Minter 

and 

"James: Mercy Triumphs" by Beth Moore. 

Both are very very good. I've been a little surprised at how well they complement each other since they are very different books of the Bible.

I was doing my work in "Nehemiah" and came to the following comment: 

"In the margin describe 

the last time you were awestruck by God."

I couldn't help but wonder about that and it hasn't left me yet.  There's only been one time I would consider myself "awestruck" by God.  How sad is that? 
Shouldn't we be amazed each and every day when we wake up,
breathing, moving, living? 
This God who cares for us so much He gives us a covenant of unfailing love ...

How marvelously wonderful is this God who loves us!  

May we never lose the wonder of our God, 

the ability to be struck with jaw-dropping, falling-to-our-knees, gasping-for-breath awe at our  

GREAT and AWESOME GOD!!

What is a Trader? Do you want to be one?

Sands of Time

Time is quickly slipping away. It's February already. Where did six weeks of 2012 go?

My heart has been heavy.  I'm trying to make some decisions for the future and it's not easy.  There are so many things I want to do and places I want to go, but they all take money - money I don't have. Yet God is my source and is guiding me and providing for me.

On a good note, I am finishing the paperwork to have STAF Ministries International accepted as a nonprofit in SC.  I will then start some fundraising for the girls' home :)  One of the things I'm praying about is if the home is to be in Asia or not.  I don't have clarity on that yet. 

Guatemala has been on my heart recently.  I am looking into an extended visit to see if that's where God is leading or not.

I saw this video and loved it. It is set in Asia but really applies to anywhere.  Enjoy!