When Walls Come Down

What an emotional week!!  This time of year is especially hard for me.  October 19 will mark 11 years of widowhood for me and fatherlessness for my girls.  Several other losses have occurred during this time as well to make it a dark time of year emotionally.

I lead a pretty boring life, full of routine.  I don't like it that way, but it is what it is... until last week.  I was blindsided by a person who has no idea how he has impacted me. I don't know whether to be mad at him or thank him. 

The kindnesses of this person have completely shattered some walls that I had allowed to be put up - walls that I didn't fully realize were there.  So now there is a raw, deep ache for some things that I used to have but don't anymore.  Things that I thought were lost 11 years ago.  And I was fine that they were gone. I had two children to train up and protect and didn't want to be the woman who had man after man in her life. 

So what do you do with that?  How do you move forward when you realize that there are things you want that you may not get to have?  How do you deal with the pain of a taste of goodness when it goes so quickly? How do you open yourself up to love again when you were convinced it wasn't going to happen twice in a lifetime...not to you anyway?

These are the questions I have been ruminating over this weekend after a man, thru his kindness, unknowingly brought down some walls in my heart. Am I mad at him for bringing desires to the surface that may never be fulfilled? Or am I thankful that I now know the desire is still there for something more...and now I can find the strength and courage to pursue it?  Maybe both.


This is where the healing begins - when the walls come down, light meets the dark at those broken places!!